it's a process.

I spent the last 2 nights, stressing, out of my mind stressing, about things that, will happen in the future, things in the near future, things in the not so near future, things I want to do, things I want to be good at. But mostly about things that I can't change, which I hate, I hate when things change and they're not on my terms, and I'm not ready for them. Mostly my relationships with people, I feel like I can only be at peace with a change if I'm the one making the change, which is completely fucking ridiculous don't you think? I do.

I've been in America for just over 3 months, I'm travelling on my own at the moment which I guess gives me an unnecessary amount of time to think without interruption. I already know I want to go back to Calumet next year.
But it's not 100% of the friends that I made, next year, it's because now I feel like I can make these kids lives better, I've never felt like I could enhance somebodies life, or change it to be better, it wasn't something that I even thought about doing.

Until Worcester, I can safely say that Worcester changed my outlook on life, and I am so thankful that I got given the opportunity that were the the 2 most rewarding and challenging weeks of my life. It taught me things that will always be appropriate, and has made me a better and more thankful person.

It's amazing how old/young I feel simultaneously, when the people I choose to surround myself with are 18 years old, & the job we're both doing now, I could have been doing the same job, 6 years ago, and they would have been the campers, that freaks me out, that puts me on a completely different brainwave to them. The way they grew up, the things they liked, the fads they went through? Being from a different country also contributes to that I guess. And I find myself giving them this advice, that apparently I've learnt in the years I am their senior. But the things that concerned me, when I was 18, its still there, if not worse, the uncertainty is there more than ever, because as you get older, you know what you DON'T want. Which makes it hard for me, because I'm not sure what I do want.

So I get these, odd freak out moments, when someone will say what they were doing 6 years ago, and it was watching Nickelodeon or being a Unit 2 camper, and I'm like, well shit, I was out getting drunk and seeing bands.

But then I sit there, for hours, on a bus with Amy Terkelsen, and she gives me the confidence, and gives me every piece of emotional support I need, she tells me I know exactly how to make her feel better, and put perpective on a situation, but she does it too. I don't know how, but she puts everyone around her at ease, and I kinda wish she could see that about herself.

I sit in a basement with Matt Ripley every night for hours and we talk about our own insecurities as people, what stops us from being the people we really want to be, and then we talk about music, and what we love and why we love it, this kid is ageless to me, I could be having the exact same conversation with Paul Or Ash Or Ally Or Jo.

I spend 5 weeks being co's with Bessie Steinberg, one of the smartest people I know, who KNOWS what she wants, she's got the brains to do it, yet like all of us is still confused about exactly where her life is headed, the difference is, she' SO much stronger than she can possibly see, and I know for a fact I couldn't deal the way she does.

Gwen Straeffer? Has determination that I can't say I saw in anyone when I was her age, she uses what she has, and if she needs more she goes out and finds it, she wants to achieve for others just as much as she wants to achieve for herself, and I think sometimes that's her down fall. But people have faith in her & they trust her to be herself, which luckily is an amazing things.

Claire Petchler, is wiser than I am. And I don't even fucking know how. Nothing that comes out of that girls mouth is what an 18 year old should be saying realistically. She's going to go far, and at least I can say I was there for some of the ride. The thing that makes Claire who she is, is that at least once a day, you see a little bit of Claire's shell being peeled back, she's opening her eyes, and seeing the world for what she wants to see it as, not how she's been taught to see it. And I love those moments.


This wasn't suppose to be about individuals, but It's kind've hard when you're thrown into a life situation where you're forced to know the ups and downs of the people you work with. And for the most part, there aren't many downs, they're given a job, which forces them to be adults who make the right decisions. And I think that's why it freaks me out when I realise I'm 24, because they're all on my page. And I guess I wish I just had a couple spare years up my sleeve so I don't feel so rushed in doing the things I think I'm suppose to do. Right now I feel like im 21-22, because, honestly, I don't remember where the rest of the years went.