I haven't written in this thing for about 6 months, mainly cos I'm lazy. I'm in New Zealand at the moment with Ash and Erryn, Been spending a lot of time Babes B & Cam.
It strange how our minds work huh? A part of my personality that I didn't even know existed has come out in this trip that i absolutely HATE. A part of me that I wasn't even a aware of, I thought I was able to deal with my self loathing in a way that it only effected me, apparently thats not true at all, you'll be delighted to hear that I am now able to project my hatred and self loathing for myself onto other people as well, alienate my friends and make myself have a miserable time in the process.

This is a joint effort, i mean i didn't create this feeling for myself, it was there, and it just enveloped in my mind. And i made it worse.
I need to figure out WHY all i let my do is self sabotage myself. There is something inside me that needs to get me out of this self depracation, a punch in the face, a hug, or i NEED to change. I have so much growing to do this year, i need to become the person i want to be, because it is NEVER enough, for me or for anyone.

I've been hella camp sick lately, I feel kinda guilty on this trip also, just cos i know I have been sitting around spending my money and paying back my parents the money I owe them. I will get it done, this i know, because this is what I'm good at. I will save enough money so everyone is happy and i can do what i Love. Now I've returned home and know that I have no ambitions here, I need to figure out what they are, and where they are. So that I'm not 40 and going to Uni because i was never settled enough to do it when i was 20.

It's a hard place to be, I wish i was just happy with small things, repetitive menial things like most people, but at the same time im so thankful i have the mind i do, because there is so much out there to see and discover and fall in love with!

xx