So I thought I'd update this thing once more before i went home, because I'm almost certain I won't do it for long time.

Today was amazing, we went to this beach called Piha, about an hour or so away from where we are staying at Nik's. It was an amazing drive, I'm so glad I live so close to such amazing things, we went to a beautiful place called Titirangi, a little town with a cafe that had delicious coffee, picturesque views from the long and winding road which took us to Piha. We stopped off at a visitors center which allowed us to see above the Waitakere Ranges, such dense forest nothing like I have ever seen in my life.
It made me want to stay in Auckland but also made me feel bad for not enjoying my time here this time last.
Piha is gorgeous. Nothing there except for a surf life saving club, and a little store which sold sodas and stuff. Total beach mentality, surfers there waiting for the perfect wave, it made me want to throw all my cares away and live the easy life.
It was rainy and then sunny and then muggy and the weather couldn't make up its mind, but it didn't matter because the drive so lovely.

We came back babes came to hang out, and John came over shortly after, he made the effort to clear things up with us, as we were quite uncertain as to where he was at since he moved back, I didn't get to see him as much as a liked, but now that he's made an effort to help us understand what he was going through once he moved back, I feel like i'm going to get more of an opportunity to miss him rather than just resent things has hasn't done since he's come home.

Our flight is at 6:30am, and I am sad to leave, as we've all become such better friends with Jono because he pretty much has been hanging out with us for the last week, he's been a friend to us that maybe others should have been. He's showed us a hospitality and generosity that we really couldn't have asked for, he has amazing parents, we went over for dinner one night and they're such lovely people, with such an open mind, with open ears and willingness to know you and learn about you and what is important to you, I can see why he is the way he is.

In the last week, I've been able to get over my issues and had an AMAZING time, I've got some pretty amazing people in my life, who are able to help me, and we're able to help each other get through hard points in our lives.

Nana Charl passed away 2 days ago, her passing away has really impacted me, in the fact that she was such a strong woman who brought her family to Australia for a better life, she has created such a loving family around her and it has shown in her time of need. They will be there for each other to appreciate the life she created here, and get each other through it.

But for now i need to go home, and concentrate on getting back to the states.
xx

I haven't written in this thing for about 6 months, mainly cos I'm lazy. I'm in New Zealand at the moment with Ash and Erryn, Been spending a lot of time Babes B & Cam.
It strange how our minds work huh? A part of my personality that I didn't even know existed has come out in this trip that i absolutely HATE. A part of me that I wasn't even a aware of, I thought I was able to deal with my self loathing in a way that it only effected me, apparently thats not true at all, you'll be delighted to hear that I am now able to project my hatred and self loathing for myself onto other people as well, alienate my friends and make myself have a miserable time in the process.

This is a joint effort, i mean i didn't create this feeling for myself, it was there, and it just enveloped in my mind. And i made it worse.
I need to figure out WHY all i let my do is self sabotage myself. There is something inside me that needs to get me out of this self depracation, a punch in the face, a hug, or i NEED to change. I have so much growing to do this year, i need to become the person i want to be, because it is NEVER enough, for me or for anyone.

I've been hella camp sick lately, I feel kinda guilty on this trip also, just cos i know I have been sitting around spending my money and paying back my parents the money I owe them. I will get it done, this i know, because this is what I'm good at. I will save enough money so everyone is happy and i can do what i Love. Now I've returned home and know that I have no ambitions here, I need to figure out what they are, and where they are. So that I'm not 40 and going to Uni because i was never settled enough to do it when i was 20.

It's a hard place to be, I wish i was just happy with small things, repetitive menial things like most people, but at the same time im so thankful i have the mind i do, because there is so much out there to see and discover and fall in love with!

xx