it's a process.

I spent the last 2 nights, stressing, out of my mind stressing, about things that, will happen in the future, things in the near future, things in the not so near future, things I want to do, things I want to be good at. But mostly about things that I can't change, which I hate, I hate when things change and they're not on my terms, and I'm not ready for them. Mostly my relationships with people, I feel like I can only be at peace with a change if I'm the one making the change, which is completely fucking ridiculous don't you think? I do.

I've been in America for just over 3 months, I'm travelling on my own at the moment which I guess gives me an unnecessary amount of time to think without interruption. I already know I want to go back to Calumet next year.
But it's not 100% of the friends that I made, next year, it's because now I feel like I can make these kids lives better, I've never felt like I could enhance somebodies life, or change it to be better, it wasn't something that I even thought about doing.

Until Worcester, I can safely say that Worcester changed my outlook on life, and I am so thankful that I got given the opportunity that were the the 2 most rewarding and challenging weeks of my life. It taught me things that will always be appropriate, and has made me a better and more thankful person.

It's amazing how old/young I feel simultaneously, when the people I choose to surround myself with are 18 years old, & the job we're both doing now, I could have been doing the same job, 6 years ago, and they would have been the campers, that freaks me out, that puts me on a completely different brainwave to them. The way they grew up, the things they liked, the fads they went through? Being from a different country also contributes to that I guess. And I find myself giving them this advice, that apparently I've learnt in the years I am their senior. But the things that concerned me, when I was 18, its still there, if not worse, the uncertainty is there more than ever, because as you get older, you know what you DON'T want. Which makes it hard for me, because I'm not sure what I do want.

So I get these, odd freak out moments, when someone will say what they were doing 6 years ago, and it was watching Nickelodeon or being a Unit 2 camper, and I'm like, well shit, I was out getting drunk and seeing bands.

But then I sit there, for hours, on a bus with Amy Terkelsen, and she gives me the confidence, and gives me every piece of emotional support I need, she tells me I know exactly how to make her feel better, and put perpective on a situation, but she does it too. I don't know how, but she puts everyone around her at ease, and I kinda wish she could see that about herself.

I sit in a basement with Matt Ripley every night for hours and we talk about our own insecurities as people, what stops us from being the people we really want to be, and then we talk about music, and what we love and why we love it, this kid is ageless to me, I could be having the exact same conversation with Paul Or Ash Or Ally Or Jo.

I spend 5 weeks being co's with Bessie Steinberg, one of the smartest people I know, who KNOWS what she wants, she's got the brains to do it, yet like all of us is still confused about exactly where her life is headed, the difference is, she' SO much stronger than she can possibly see, and I know for a fact I couldn't deal the way she does.

Gwen Straeffer? Has determination that I can't say I saw in anyone when I was her age, she uses what she has, and if she needs more she goes out and finds it, she wants to achieve for others just as much as she wants to achieve for herself, and I think sometimes that's her down fall. But people have faith in her & they trust her to be herself, which luckily is an amazing things.

Claire Petchler, is wiser than I am. And I don't even fucking know how. Nothing that comes out of that girls mouth is what an 18 year old should be saying realistically. She's going to go far, and at least I can say I was there for some of the ride. The thing that makes Claire who she is, is that at least once a day, you see a little bit of Claire's shell being peeled back, she's opening her eyes, and seeing the world for what she wants to see it as, not how she's been taught to see it. And I love those moments.


This wasn't suppose to be about individuals, but It's kind've hard when you're thrown into a life situation where you're forced to know the ups and downs of the people you work with. And for the most part, there aren't many downs, they're given a job, which forces them to be adults who make the right decisions. And I think that's why it freaks me out when I realise I'm 24, because they're all on my page. And I guess I wish I just had a couple spare years up my sleeve so I don't feel so rushed in doing the things I think I'm suppose to do. Right now I feel like im 21-22, because, honestly, I don't remember where the rest of the years went.

It's a cliche to say it, but the older I get the less I realise I know. I hear myself talking to others sometimes, with authority, like what I'm saying Is helpful and enhance their lives, and even if that were true, I still know not a lot about where my life is headed. People tell me that that's ok, I met this lady on the bus the other day, and she told me from talking to me that paths will always present themselves to me, I hope she's right, because I'm not always sure what paths to take.

En route to Camp as we speak, on some swish greyhound bus (i know who'da thunk it). Can't wait, well i have been waiting for 10 months to go back! and the day has come, thankyou to everyone who listened to me whinge for the last 7 months hahaha.

I just had the most amazing week in NYC, like I think one of my favourite weeks of travelling ever. I stayed with Frannie, and spent alot of time walking around the lower east side and west side, and a lot of time in different parts of Brooklyn. Williamsburg is one of my favourite places, I'll admit its full of hipsters, but I would totally live there, it has everything I could want, hot boys (ha), alternative eating options (lol) amazingggg music, cool bars, and an AMAZING view of Manhattan.

I took the above photo from a friend of frannie's rooftop, of her apartment complex, I had an epiphany while i was up there, I'm so fucking lucky and sooo fortunate that i have these opportunities to do this. That I'm allowed to.

Been thinking about my uncle Brendan a lot as well, while i was getting ready to jet off and have an amazing time, he passed away, the funeral was 2 days after i left, and im so so sad i couldnt go, he had a really bad last few years, noone really deserves that much bad luck if you ask me, he was a battler and a fighter and he has my ultimate ans true respect for fighting as long as he did, now you can relax uncle brendan, rest in peace, i hope youre somewhere amazing, actually i know it.

ok i think im done. peace for a while

Fuel for thought.

So I booked my flights. I'm going to be gone from June 15th - November 29th. 5.5 months, It keeps getting longer and longer each time.. I'm working my freaking ass off right now trying to get there, sometimes its really difficult to see the illumination at the end of the tunnel. Something that you know you're working so hard towards, but you get so lost in the dark. I know what its for, but when i bring my head up for a breathe of air, it's just so hard.

I'm so glad I've given myself something to work towards because I know I need to do it.
I'm a strange creature, I've come to realise as of late, that the main reason i do things, is because I'm DYING to do them. And then when i'm actually there experiencing it, i take it for granted, absolutely. And i do it because i don't want to say i had the opportunity and didn't take it, or did make the opportunity for myself. And other things that I'm amazed people do, and I'm jealous and happy for them and all that, i know if i was doing them, I'd just be like, yeah this is life, so what? hahaha.

I'm so fucking ridiculously excited about camp, I miss everyone sooo much. And i'm going to spontaneously com-bust when i see them.

57 days & counting.

eeeek.

Fuel for thought.

A few things have been bugging me lately, just about the the world and society in general.
When did we become a society that cares more about the rich then we do the poor, more to the point, what the rich are doing with their money.

When did we put people on a pedestal who DON'T deserve to be there? why must we know every facet of their lives? Where they go, what they do, who they're with?

And more importantly why, when we do have someone good in our faces, do we tear them to fucking shreds? why are we always looking for something bad they're hiding, something they did wrong, something to tarnish them? I can say it doesn't make me feel good about myself when i find out that Tiger Woods has monogamy issues, I get no satisfaction from it. And im sure his wife didn't either.

Why do I live in a society that lies, just because someone is in the media, it doesn't mean they are there because they want attention, (even though, i'm sure a lot of the time it is), but sometimes people want to follow they're dreams and do the things they love, and that brings them attention. Is it so terrible, they don't want you to know every detail about them.

I don't feel comfortable being in a world where people get more attention for being 'socialites', then for having artistic merit, writing an amazing song in a basement, writing one UNFORGETTABLE lyric in a song. Writing a book with a quote people can guide their lives on. A photograph that drives you to achieve your goals.
When did Paris Hilton's hand bag line... or her puppy dog become more important, than living a life that you yourself can be proud of? Why don't we care about that? When did our society stop having heart? Why am I a minority?

It might be tabloids that do it. But WE FUEL IT. We buy the magazines, we talk about it, we believe it, we judge by it. And it's a load of shit. Every person i know, would want a fairer go than being judged on the front of a mazazine.

I think I'm done.. and If you've read this, i hope its fuel for thought.

eweoe

I just found this in my LJ all the live acts ive seen up until end of 2006..
wonder if i can think of all the bands ive seen since then?

2003
Good Charlotte
Sum41
New found glory
The Juliana Theory

2004
Hot water music
Thrice
Alkaline Trio
Brand New
Alexisinfire
Sparta
Most Precious Blood
Machinehead (sound check only haha)
Ash

(ill think of more, haha shit someone help me out, i didnt write this years shows down)

2005
Champion
Comeback Kid
Terror
Beastie Boys
Hatebreed x 2
Rise Against x 4 ( 2 bdo tour, 2 toc)
Slipknot
The Donnas
Le Tigre
System Of A Down
Good Charlotte
Madball
Shadows Fall
As i Lay dying
Breed 77
Dillenger Escape Plan
Strung Out x 4
Useless ID x 5
Strike Anywhere
Sommerset
Atreyu x 2
Norma Jean x 2
Unearth x 2
Throwdown
Anberlin
Crowned King x 2 (ew)
Team Sleep
Alexisonfire
18 Visions
Shai Hulud
On Broken Wings
Reel Big Fish
Goldfinger
Millencolin
Killswitch Engage x 2
Funeral For A Friend x 2
Story Of the Year x 2
The used x 2
Betrayed
Internal Affairs
Champion
Less than Jake
My Chemical Romance
Jimmy Eat World
Greenday
From Autumn To Ashes
Seether


2006
Against Me!
Fort Minor
Pmoney (hahaha)
Alkaline Trio
Eisley
Taking Back Sunday
Houston Calls
Yellowcard
Coheed & Cambria
My Awesome Compilation
Fightstar
Funeral For A Friend
UPDATED
Hatebreed
Darkest Hour
As I Lay Dying
MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK YAY
MC Lars (haha)
Death By Stereo x 2 (Come Together & Strung Out Side show)
Some Girls
Strung Out x 2
Pennywise
Hawthorne Heights
The Bleeders
36 Crazyfists fukk yehh
Madball
Panic! @ The Disco
Taste Of Chaos - Anti-Flag, Taking Back Sunday, Saosin, Underoath, Thursday
Unearth
Killswitch Engage
Lamb Of God
Caliban
A Wilhelm Scream
Less Than Jake
edit:
Rise against

Sometimes life can be SO overwheling that i just want to cry and scream til i have no voice left.

Nobody said life was easy & no body said I was perfect. SO GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.